The gift of soul friendship

The Celtic knot: a symbol of interconnectedness

'Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to

weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is

worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.'

                                                                                                                        Dinah Craik

Some twenty years ago now, a new friendship came into my life, one which has undoubtedly been the most growthful relationship I have ever known. It is a friendship which goes beyond any other friendship that I have ever experienced. It is a relationship that is founded on a way of loving and being loved that I would never have imagined possible. What we are able to offer each other is a profoundly unconditional love, one that is deeply committed to each other’s growth and fulfilment. It is a love that is fully accepting and prizing of all of that we are and that welcomes all that we are becoming. It has no expectations and makes no demands. And it receives what we are able to offer of ourselves with tenderness and compassion and a depth of understanding and holding that is rare. It is a relationship in which there is no need to pretend or to offer each other half-truths and no need to hide, protect or distance ourselves from each other. It is a relationship in which each of us can be the self we truly are and know that this self is unconditionally accepted, fully understood and deeply loved. Consequently, we have both been able to risk a level of openness and vulnerability which has deeply surprised us. We have felt safe enough to bare our souls, to share our innermost thoughts and feelings, no matter how difficult or painful, knowing that they will be fully and sensitively received. David Elkins describes his own experience of such a friendship beautifully:

'A soul-to-soul friendship is one which goes to the deepest levels of intimacy, each friend inviting the other into the inner chambers of the soul. Two hearts touch, resonate, intertwine. Soul-to-soul friends become part of each other, so that it’s hard to tell where one stops and the other begins.'

Once made, such bonds are not easily broken. John O'Donohue, who had a deep friendship with the poet and philosopher David Whyte, says of such relationships that they are strong enough to withstand physical separation. Even when apart, soul friends remain deeply attuned to each other and to the rhythm of each other’s lives. Their deeper connection with each other is neither interrupted nor weakened through separation. This has been my experience too.

Opening our soul to the soul of another in this way is an indescribably beautiful and enriching experience. For most of us, it happens slowly, and at first, hesitantly. One step after another. One risk after another. One disclosure after another. One touch after another. Eventually the doubts and fears that hold us back begin to subside. We learn to be gentle with each other when we misstep. Our trust in ourselves and each other deepens. We become more attuned to each other. We allow ourselves to enter into the rhythm and flow of our relationship.

However, opening ourselves up to a developing soul friendship with someone who is not our life partner can be difficult. At times, we may struggle to make sense of what we are experiencing. We may find it hard to understand and accept a bond that is undoubtedly unconventional and does not seem to fit into any of the categories that we normally use to define our relationships. And so, for a time, we may wrestle with uncertainties and fears that make it difficult for us let the friendship unfold naturally. Perhaps particularly when the relationship is cross-gender, such initial doubts are not uncommon and sometimes, we may find ourselves turning away from it, fearing that it may be in appropriate or may not be accepted by others.

It was learning about the ancient Celtic tradition of the 'anam cara' through the writings of John O'Donohue that enabled me to make sense of, accept and embrace the anam cara relationship that came my way to a degree that might not otherwise have been possible. ‘Anam’ is the Gaelic word for soul and ‘cara’ the word for friend so in the Celtic world, your anam cara was the friend of your soul. In his book 'Anam Cara', O'Donohue describes our experience of such friendships in a way that resonates strongly with my own and since then, I have read many other similar accounts. I have found them in the writings of philosophers such as Plato and Aristotle and in the sacred texts and writings of a number of different spiritual traditions such as Christianity, Hinduism, Islam and Judaism. I have come across them in the writings of psychologists and therapists such as David Elkins and David Benner and of many poets such as Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Kahlil Gibran, Mary Oliver, Jalāl al-Dīn Rumi and David Whyte.

Soul friendships may come into our lives at any time but as was true for me, they often do so in midlife. Such relationships are a wonderful gift of companionship as we begin the journey of becoming our true self. For their primary purpose is to support us in our journeying and to nurture our soul as it begins to emerge. The more deeply connected soul friends become as we journey together, the more easily we are able to allow ourselves to enter into the friendship freely and fully. And the more we are able to do so, the more we realise that our separate journeys are becoming intertwined, that for each one of us, our individual journeys are becoming our shared journey. In time, furthermore, we come to a deeper realisation that we are there to awaken each other to 'the wild possibilities' within us, to draw on O'Donohue's words. We are there to love each other into becoming. And that is a gift beyond price.

Bibliography

Dinah Craik (2025) A Life for a Life. Victoria's archives

David Elkins (1998) Beyond Religion. Quest Books

John O'Donohue (1997) Anam Cara. Bantam Books